Vulnerable

 

 vul·ner·a·ble

adjective

Exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally ____________________________________________________________________ The scariest part of my first pregnancy was seeing the heartbeat for the first time.  That may sound odd, but I was a twenty-three year old whose life revolved around myself at the time.  I will never forget my first ultrasound, I laid across an exam table in Omaha, Nebraska (long story) by myself as the nurse put the gel on my belly and began to look for what was causing all these positive pregnancy tests....I absentmindedly reached out my hand for someone to hold and remembered that I was alone.  I took a deep breath and grasped my own hand when I heard the nurse say 'oh here we are, there is the heart!'  And unmistakably on the screen was a sweet little blob with a tiny heart pumping away. Everything changed that afternoon. I had been working in a remarkable lab with amazing researchers on a grant.   The project I was involved with would have led me to be part of a publication along side some of the most respected professionals in my field.   I had worked for years to get to this point and suddenly I was going to be a mother. The job I had been preparing myself for through undergrad and graduate school, extra-curriculars and conferences - what I thought would be my most important role....shifted.  This tiny little heart by simply just existing.....transformed my path. It was the biggest and best surprise of my life.  It was Ben. That was five years ago this May. I am amazed at how much has changed in that relatively short amount of time.....how sometimes easily and sometimes not so easily....Brannon and I have morphed into the roles we currently play as parents and spouses. The hardest adjustment I had in becoming a mother was not labor or breastfeeding, the midnight feedings or the endless diaper changes - for me it was the vulnerability.  The loss of control that comes with being a parent, the letting go and trusting that everything will be okay.  When Ben was born and they put him on my belly, I was in shock.  I remember staring at him and thinking something along the lines of 'oh my God, I made a person - this is really happening' and then he started to breathe funny and people starting talking and things got confusing and all the sudden he was going to the NICU.  It happened so fast.  Before I knew it he was gone, Brannon went with him - my mother left to let me rest along with my midwife and there I sat alone in this big birthing suite.  No baby....with my epidural still in and unable to move. I'll never forget the feeling that washed over me - this intense loneliness after spending the past nine months with this little person inside of me and all of the sudden I was alone.  Every cell in my body wanted to physically be with my child.  This was my swift introduction to motherhood and how vulnerable this unique type of unconditional love makes us. 12/28/2007 - The day I became a mother. I have struggled, as I am sure every mother has, with this vulnerability.  This strong urge to keep my children in a bubble and safe while still wanting them to have a chance to explore and make their own mistakes.  It is a funny tug-of-war within myself like I've got one side whispering 'let them go, let him run, let him pick himself up' and the other is yelling 'for goodness sakes go pick him up, hold him and put those training wheels back on his bike!' Austin breaking his arm has challenged my internal push and pull of letting go and hanging on.  While sometimes I feel like I've been a mother forever, I know in reality that I am just at the starting line and have so much to learn and so far to grow. As Mother's Day approaches - I've got a question for my fellow Moms out there....how do you deal with the vulnerability of having part of your heart running around outside of you?   ________________________________________________________________ Sweet snippet from our bedtime routine: Last night when I was putting Ben to bed he asked me, 'Mom, when I was in your belly and you saw me with that machine that looks in your belly...did you see 'B-E-N' on my heart and that's how you knew my name was Ben?' I hugged him and told him that is exactly how it happened.